Are you being bullied?

Parents and caregivers… did you know these Facts and Figures on Bullying?

• Studies in several countries have consistently shown that at least 15% of students in school are involved. 
  
• About 9% are targets. 
  
• About 7% bully others repeatedly.  
  
• Every 160,000 children miss school for fear of being bullied. 
  
• Most adults are not aware of a bullying problem and most victims do no tell an adult. 
• BOTH girls and boys bully.  
• Boys are more likely to engage in direct physical bullying.  Girls tend to use covert behaviors such as social exclusion, peer rejection and spreading rumors. 
• Direct bullying seems to increase through the elementary years, peak in the middle school years and decline during the high school years.

There are a number of myths about bullying that need to be dispelled.  They are…

• Bullying at school really doesn’t do any harm.  
• The best thing to do is to just hit back – harder. 
• Bullying helps toughen kids up and make them stronger. 
• Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.  
• It’s not really bullying – they’re only teasing.     
• Boys will be boys. 
• Kids just go through these things, adults shouldn’t get involved.  
• It’s just innocent fun.  
• Girls don’t bully.

For the Victim:

• Depression, low self esteem 
• Shyness 
• Poor Academic achievement 
• Isolation 
• Emotional scars that are carried for a lifetime 
• Ongoing anxiety and fear 
• Develop a sense of powerlessness, hopelessness and helplessness   

For the Bully:

• Learn that violence and aggression “works” 
• 60% have criminal convictions by age 24 
• Lose their popularity as they get older 
• Suffer many failed friendships and relationships 
• Bullying becomes a habit 
• Are likely to be unemployed as adults  

For the School:

• Disruptive negative behaviors 
• Poor achievement scores 
• Unsafe and tense atmosphere  
• Inattentive students  
• Lack of cooperation and personal responsibility 
• Needless stress 
• Lost productivity time

Characteristics of Bullies

• They have seen people bullied in the family 
• They are being bullied themselves 
• They are selfish or spoiled and always want to get their own way 
• They have no friends and feel lonely 
• They feel bad about themselves and want to make others feel bad too  
• They feel insecure and unimportant-bullying gives them power 
• They want to look “big” in front of others  
• They don’t understand how bad victims feel 
• They have poor social skills 
• They are overwhelmed by life 
• They feel helpless, out of control and powerless and so they want to feel “in control”  
• They bully to feel successful and competent 
• They have a lot of aggressive behavior patterns 
• They want to dominate their peers  
• They refuse to accept responsibility for their actions  
• They are often defiant  and impulsive  
• They lie to keep themselves out of trouble

Characteristics of Targets

• Passive 
• Tend to be loners 
• Cry or show emotions easily 
• Lack of self-defense skills 
• Aren’t able to dodge conflict with humor  
• May not think quickly on their feet 
• Are easily frustrated  
• Behave or look “different” than the other children around them  
• Tend to be physically weaker than the bully  
• Suffer from low self-esteem  
• Are anxious and cautious 
• Are shy  
• May become depressed and/or suicidal

Signs a Child is Being Bullied

• Be frightened of walking to or from school 
• Change their usual route 
• Not want to go on the school bus 
• Beg you to drive them to school   
• Be unwilling to go to school  
• Feel ill in the mornings  
• Begin to skip school 
• Begin doing poorly in their school work 
• Come home regularly with books or clothes destroyed 
• Come home starving because the bully has taken their lunch or money  
• Become withdrawn, start stammering, lack confidence 
• Become distressed and anxious 
• Stop eating  
• Cry themselves to sleep; have nightmares  
• Keep “losing” possessions or money 
• Ask for money or start stealing money (to pay the bully)  
• Refuse to say what’s wrong due to fear of retaliation by the bully  
• Have unexplained bruises, scratches or cuts  
• Begin to bully other children  
• Become unreasonable and aggressive 
• Give improbable excuses to explain any of the above

If Your Child Is Being Bullied

• Ask your child directly if he/she is being bullied  
• TAKE THE PROBLEM SERIOUSLY – CONTACT THE SCHOOL IMMEDIATELY 
• Keep telling your child you love them and are 100% on their side 
• Reassure them that the bullying is not their fault 
• Remind them not to react to the bully and explain why 
• Practice assertiveness techniques with your child 
• Help your child to think up simple responses to the bully 
• Help your child minimize opportunities for bullying 
• Remind your child that keeping safe is more important than possessions 
• Make time to sit down with your child and listen to their feelings and ideas 
• Discuss alternatives with your child; encourage them to see themselves as having options 
• Praise your child when they accomplish something, remind them of these accomplishments when they are feeling helpless or hopeless 
• Make opportunities for the children to succeed x Encourage children to take up a hobby, activity, or sport x Consider enrolling them in a self-defense class x Encourage your child to join new groups and lend support until he/she feels comfortable

If Your Child Is The Bully

• STAY CALM.  DO NOT BECOME ANGRY OR DEFENSIVE.  
• Find out exactly what your child has done and if they have behaved this way before.  Keep in mind that bullies tend to minimize or deny their behavior.  
• Explore with your child to see if he/she has any idea why they bully and what they think might help.  
• Reassure them that you love them- it’s their behavior you don’t like.  
• Find out if there is something in particular troubling them and try to sort it out.  
• SET LIMITS. Let your child know that bullying is NEVER okay.  
• Arrange for effective, non-violent consequences that fit the behavior.   
• Increase the amount of supervision your child receives, both at home and at school.  
• Minimize the viewing of violent television shows, video games and movies your child is allowed to partake in.  
• Address any ongoing violence or problems within the family.  
• Stop any show of aggression.  Help children recognize their anger and explore constructive ways to deal with the anger. 
• Discuss alternatives when your child may be faced with a frustrating situation or an opportunity to bully.  
• Encourage children to WALK AWAY, COOL DOWN, AND THINK.  
• Teach your child the difference between assertive, aggressive and passive behavior.  Help him/her practice assertive behaviors.  Be supportive.  
• Praise your children when they accomplish something.   
• Work with the teacher and school personnel in setting realistic goals for your child and follow up frequently, providing support and encouragement.  
• BE PATIENT. Changes take time.

Teaching Assertiveness Skills

• Demonstrate assertive behavior.  
• Contrast aggressive or submissive responses through role-play or demonstration.  
• Intervene when interactions seem headed for trouble and suggest ways to work out a compromise and express feelings in a productive way.  
• Teach children to seek help when confronted by the abuse of power by other children or adults.  
• Remind children to ignore routine teasing by turning their heads or walking away.  
• Teach children to ask for things directly and respond directly to each other.  Friendly suggestions are taken more easily than bossy demands.  
• Teach children to ask nicely and respond appropriately to polite requests.  
• After a conflict between children, ask those involved to replay the scene.  
• Show the children how to resolve problems firmly and fairly.  
• Encourage children not to give in to bullies.  
• Identify acts of aggression, bossiness or discrimination for children and teach them not to accept them.  
• Show children the rewards of personal achievement through standing up for themselves, rather than depending on the approval of others only.

If You Are A Target

• Tell a friend, family member or teacher what is happening.  
• IGNORE the bully or say NO firmly and WALK AWAY.   
• Don’t fight back if you can help it.  
• It’s not worth getting hurt to keep possessions or money.  
• Think up funny or clever replies ahead of time.  Practice.  
• Avoid being alone in places you know bullies may pick on you.  Stick with a group.  
• Practice “walking tall and standing strong” in a mirror.   
• Use assertiveness techniques.  
• Keep a diary about what is happening.  
• Do things to make yourself feel better.   
• Practice “fogging” which means to stare at them.   
• Ask a friend for help and support.   
• Join a self-defense class  

Making Yourself Feel Better

• Make a list of all the good things you can think of about yourself.
• Learn to talk in a positive way to yourself and others.
• Develop your skills and interests.
• Do some volunteer work.
• Get involved in a “cause” to protect people, animals or the environment.
• Join a group that interests you.
• Practice assertiveness skills every day.
• Take a risk and make a new friend.
• Hang around fun pleasant people.
• Remember that changes take time and practice.

Self Assertiveness 

Making Requests:

• Be clear about what you want.
• Plan ahead and practice.
• Make your requests short and to the point; (I want my pencil back.).
• Decide what you want and stick to it. You don’t have to be rude, but don’t get sidetracked.

Saying NO:

• When you say NO, say it firmly.
• Listen to your body and to your feelings: what do you really want to say?  What do you really want to do?
• Try not to get caught up in arguments and DON”T get angry or upset if you don’t get your own way.
• If you don’t want something, don’t give in to pressure.  Be firm. Remember, you have the right to say NO.
• If you are not sure and somebody is bugging you for an answer, say you need more time or more information.
• Don’t make excuses: stand tall, look the person in the eye, and look like you mean business.
• Offer an alternative, that way people understand that you are saying no to the activity, not to the person.

Dealing With Taunts and Insults:

• DON’T ARGUE!
• DON’T GET UPSET!
• Pretend you are in a “Fog Bank” and all the insults are absorbed by the fog.
• Reply with something short: “That’s what you think.” “Maybe.”  Then WALK AWAY.
• Practice handling the worst thing the bullies can say.

Dealing With Anger:

• GET AWAY from the situation.
• Take several deep breaths and count to ten.
• Exercise to help let off steam.
• Practice simple relaxation exercises.